Federal Director of the Liberal Party

It was with some reluctance I have decided to withdraw my application for the Chair of Genocide Studies in the Ramsay School of Western Civilisation at the University of Wollongong. I was so looking forward to running practical classes.

I had to withdraw from the field after our Prime Minister Scott Morrison asked me to become the Federal Director of the Liberal Party of Straya. It is a position which pays $350,000 a year and comes with a number of intriguing perks including a choice of the best tax minimising accountants and an unlimited expense account.

I’m told I’ll be working closely with Scott himself and his good friend Peter Dutton. I have been told that Peter will organise an au pair to look after my two deranged cats. However, everything is not beer and skittles in the Federal Directorate, at the moment, but I will be assisted by Christopher “the fixer” Pyne and George Christensen.

I was surprised that George was so heavily involved but apparently, he can’t be kept out of the office because he is nominally a member of the Queensland Liberal National Party. George has been working out ways to open bank accounts in off-shore tax havens in little known back alleys of South East Asia which should come in handy if Federal members are chased out of Australia by voters with baseball bats.

The Vice Chancellor of Wollongong was unhappy I had withdrawn my application for the Chair of Genocide Studies because they are finding it hard to find anyone whom the Board of Ramsay considers acceptable. Apparently, George Pell has some pressing matters he has to attend to in Melbourne, Adolf Hitler and Joseph Goebbles are dead, Geoffrey Blainey and Keith Windschuttle were considered too left wing. In a parting shot, the Vice Chancellor suggested I was only being offered the job because Morrison is looking for someone to blame for the Liberals demise at the next federal election. I suppose you have to forgive sour grapes on his part.