Short on victory

In the event of a Shorten victory in the upcoming Feral / Federal election I have been advised that I will be put in charge of Homeland Security.

My first action will be to arraign several of the present ministerial incumbents with various felony charges primarily:

  • Crimes against humanity,
  • Conspiracy to pervert the course of justice,
  • Undermining the security of the realm,
  • Treason,
  • Acts of indecency, and
  • Provoking unrest.

Abbott, Turnbull, Morrison, Porter and Dutton will be tried on each of these charges at a People’s Tribunal especially convened for the purpose. Porter will also have to front up before a Welfare Crimes Tribunal presided over by a group of randomly selected social security clients who have had Robo debts raised against them.

Various penalties have been proposed should any of these miscreants of high office be found to have committed any of these offenses. It was suggested they might be ground up in a slow-moving mincer and dumped in the Antarctic Ocean as Krill feed. I unfortunately had to rule this out as I am opposed to the death penalty and because the dumping of Toxic Waste in Antarctic water is prohibited by the CCAMLR Convention* which Australia has signed and ratified.

Some of the lesser ministers will face a series of summary offences upon which I shall adjudicate:

  • Kelly O’Dwyer will face a charge of cuddling up to the banks whilst simultaneously being a pain in the arse.
  • Michaelia Cash will be charged with impersonating an axe-murdering Hysteric.
  • Christopher Pyne will be charged with Arms Laundering.
  • Steve Ciobo and Mathias Cormann will face charges of attempting to impersonate sensible human beings.
  • Barnaby will be charged with conspiring to steal water from the Murray Darling River system, and
  • Greg Hunt will be indicted on a charge of being a total irrelevance.

In the event of any incumbent, charged with felonies, being found guilty by the People’s Tribunal or the Welfare Crimes Tribunal they will be escorted off shore and placed on Manus. There will be no family reunions because their families have already suffered enough.

Those found guilty of summary offences will be flown to Nauru. Where ever they are confined their assets will be seized to pay for their upkeep. They have already been too much of a burden on Australian Taxpayers. They will never again be allowed to come to Australia nor will we inflict them on any other country with one possible exception. Whilst North Korea, continues to threaten our country, we would be prepared to send them there provided the North Koreans are prepared to take them.

* Commission for the Conservation of Antarctic Marine Living Resources.