John Howard’s explanation as to why America must bomb Iraq

The most pressing reason why the US must bomb Iraq is that if it used the money it will expend on the Iraq war assisting the Third World then (for this year at least) poverty, malnutrition and starvation would be abolished throughout the world.

The citizens of the United States are the richest people on earth who are very conscious of the absolute right of the customer and if they want to spend their money annoying, belittling, exploiting and killing people in the rest of the world in the full knowledge that this will lead to some relatives of such deceased people seeking retribution; then who are we to stand in the way of such an absolute consumer right.

Because of the 11 years of US, British and Australian sanctions and blockades of Iraq, which have led to the deaths of half a million Iraqi children under 5 years of age and resulted in 50% of the population existing on food rations under the United Nations controlled oil for food program, Iraq can no longer afford to bomb its own people. Apart from Britain and Australia no other country is offering to bomb Iraq – this is why it is incumbent upon the world’s only remaining superpower to bomb that country into smithereens.

The other important reason why Iraq needs to be bombed now is that it is an ideal location to test some of the new American weapons of mass destruction and, in any case, as any American will tell you, all the people living in Iraq are foreigners.

Though some ideologically driven idiots have suggested that the reason the US would want to attack Iraq is to get control of the world’s second greatest oil reserves –

America has and for the foreseeable future will maintain an over supply of oil. In fact the US has so much oil it has been forced to scrap energy conservation strategies in order to utilise as much oil as possible.

The final reason the US must attack Iraq is to protect the Iraqi people from Iraqi weapons of mass destruction.

All media inquiries should be directed to John Tomlinson
Constant advisor to the Prime Minister circa 2003