Johnny Howard’s fridge list: 83 Things to do when I have control of the Senate.

by John Tomlinson and Victor Hart Written in 2006

1. Shoot all those in refugee detention centres. Children first (we don’t want them to be traumatized by watching their parents being shot).

2. Burn all books written by Henry Reynolds, Lyndal Ryan or any other Lefty Black- Armband pseudo-academic.

3. Make Keith Windschuttle’s book The Fabrication of Aboriginal History, mandatory reading in all schools and universities. Burn all copies of his book Unemployment.

4. Build a shed next to the woodpile at Kirribilli for Noel Pearson to live in when he visits Sydney.

5. Appoint Peter Hollingsworth as the Australian Ambassador for Children to the UN.

6. Eliminate Foreign Aid.

7. Polish my Deputy Sheriff’s badge.

8. Make it an offence to criticise the Prime Minister or anyone else in the Liberal Party except Peter Costello.

9 Create a new terrorist offence making it illegal to be found in possession of anything likely to inhibit the re-election of a Liberal Government.

10. Pass an Australian Patriot Act and include a section to make it a terrorist office to “fail to plead guilty as charged”.

11. Make it illegal to have a pregnancy termination within 12 months of conception.

12. Take the money saved by eliminating the ABC and give it to the Liberal Party to set up a Liberal multimedia broadcasting service as a way to encourage media diversity.

13. Abolish the Arbitration Commission because they are an incumbrance standing in the way of a more flexible work force.

14. Open the Kevin Andrews Euthanasia Clinic which will cater solely for trade union officials.

15. Establish the new Gunns’ Tarkine and Styx Valley Wood Chip Plant.

16. Ask Bob Brown for a recipe for Long Tailed Potoroo.

17. Save Medicare again, this time by abolishing bulkbilling universally.

18. Make sure that all moneys paid as family payments or social security are raised as a tax debt.

19. Reinstate the old Parliamentary Superannuation Scheme.

20. Make unfair dismissal an essential centrepiece of all employment contracts.

21. Abolish workplace health and safety requirements as they impede capital accumulation.

22. Lower taxes for all whose income is above $80,000 to encourage incentives.

23. Set up the Bill Heffernan Homosexual Research Centre at the University of Notre Dame, Kings Cross Campus.

24. Pass legislation redefining Australia as Terra Nullius.

25. Rescind the Racial Discrimination Act, the Native Title Act and the Northern Territory Land Rights legislation.

26. Establish a High Level Nuclear Waste Dump in the Adelaide Central Business District.

27. Outlaw Labor led state governments.

28. Make it an offence to be a member of the Greens Party.

29. Pressure the Macquarie Dictionary Editorial Committee to delete all reference to “rodents” or “lying” in their next edition of the dictionary.

30. Pass legislation defining, for the purposes of the Migration Act, the boundaries of Giles Weather Station in Central Australia as the only place where applications can be made for asylum by would be refugee queue jumpers.

31. Strip citizenship from all who are found not to be living in a stereotypical nuclear family.

32. Ask Patrick McClure to head an Inquiry into the feasibility of re-establishing Work Houses for the indigent poor in Australia.

33. See if Jocelyn Newman wants to write another paper on welfare dependency and the need to force the blind and people in wheelchairs into the workforce.

34. Demand Centrelink writes into all its mutual obligation agreements, with the unemployed in Sydney, the requirement that they mow the lawns at Kirribilli once a week.

35. Privatise the following:

· Hospitals
· All state schools and universities
· Telstra
· Aged care facilities
· Centrelink and welfare agencies.

36. Have 1000 billboards with pictures of Robert Menzies and myself placed on all nationally funded highways.

37. Establish the Peter Reith Doberman and Balaclava Industrial Relations Centre in the Department of Economics at Melbourne University. The Centre will offer travelling scholarships to Dubai.

38. Send Kevin Rudd’s children an application form to join the young liberals.

39. Appoint Alan Jones and John Laws to the Australian Broadcasting Authority Board.

40. Make it an offence for any broadcasting organisation to employ Kerry O’Brien or replay any material from the 7.30 Report or 4 Corners programs.

41. Ask Noel Pearson for his Sweet and Sour Dugong recipe.

42. Set up the Christopher Scase Rest and Recreation Rehabilitation Centre in Majorca to assist large donators to the Liberal Party when their companies go into receivership.

43. Apply for a patient for my improved Koala trap.

44. Make Phillip Ruddock a Queens Counsel and appoint him to the next vacancy on the High Court.

45. Suggest the Queen makes Janet a Dame of the British Empire.

46. Write into the Criminal Code the new offence of “attempting to prove innocence”.

47. Charge prisoners an accommodation charge for the time they spend in prison.

48. Raise a conscript expeditionary force to invade Syria, North Korea and Iran.

49. Treble ASIO’s surveillance budget.

50. See if Kerry Nettle has a recipe for Curried Bilby.

57. Have Gough Whitlam removed from the National Living Treasures list.

58. Establish the James Hardie Chair of Responsible Corporate Governance at Bond University.

59. Ensure all universities charge students no less than $100,000 for all degrees.

60. Exempt those tax payers who earn more than $200 thousand a year from paying fees for university degrees.

61. Say sorry to the swollen generation who grew obese on their fat cat salaries.

62. End discrimination against mainstream Australians by abolishing reconciliation, multiculturalism, sexual equality and other minority elite interests.

63. See if we can use Guantanamo Bay as part of our Pacific Solution.

64. See if any of the prison officials from Abu Ghraib want to work in our prison system.

65. Find new ways to make sure poor people give something back to the society if they are assisted with welfare benefits.

66. Step up the breaching rate to ensure that single mums are meeting their mutual obligations.

67. Cut by half the number of disability support pensioners to weed out the unworthy.

68. Appoint George Pell as next Governor General.

69. Get ASIO to list all who were associated with the production of Play School, Four Corners and any other Leftie ABC programs and put them on a Media Black List.

70. Declare my birthday a public holiday, but only for those who vote Liberal.

71. Reclaim ‘Uluru’ and give it back its real name: Ayres Rock.

72. Open three more uranium mines in Kakadu National Park.

73. Impose blood tests on all those who claim to be “Aborigines”.

74. Ban compulsory voting and adopt the American voluntary system.

75. Get the Federal police to investigate all minority elites in universities.

76. Reinstate my 1986 policies on Asian immigration.

77. Ask Hugh Morgan to develop new mining and exploration policies on land where Aboriginal people have native title.

78. Revisit all my promises during my triumphant re-election to see if they are now unaffordable.

79. Ask Mark Textor to identify the next five wedges we need to drive into the electorate before 2007.

80. Publish a book on honesty in politics. Working Title: The children went overboard.

81. Insist the Iraqi Embassy flies two Australian Flags outside their Embassy.

82. Have my own TV talk show and call it “Trust the Truth”.

83. Make all the battlers relaxed and comfortable in time for the 2007 election.