Dutton’s Emergency Deportation Bill

Drafted March 3, 2019

Peter Dutton and Scott Morrison, with Abbott lurking in the background, today announced that they have prepared a Bill to fast-track deportations from Australia. They called upon Naughty Mr Billy Shorten and the crossbench to back them to the hilt at the Budget sitting on the morning of 1st April 2019.  Peter Dutton said it was crucial to act swiftly if the economy was going to be saved and negative gearing protected.

Scott Morrison said it was “A fair dinkum deportation policy unlike anything which the Labor Party has the wit to invent.”  He said it was the Deportation 2.0 policy specifically designed to rid Australia of wastrels, beggars, incompetents, those not pulling their weight and bludgers.

Dutton has unveiled a list of undesirables he intends to deport forthwith, they include:

  • people who have not consistently voted Liberal in State, Local and Federal elections,
  • those who aspire to write essays, short stories or books with literary merit,
  • anyone publishing satire or articles critical of the Coalition government,
  • people pandering to the unfortunate,
  • anyone who does not provide a paid holiday for visiting overseas au pairs,
  • citizens who whinge too much about the Banks, Insurance companies or sexual abuse,
  • people who have applied, more than once, for social security,
  • people of retirement age who are neither self-supporting nor have relatives prepared to maintain them,
  • those who ask too much of government unless they are farmers or business owners,
  • the sick, the disabled, the old or any other who is in any way a drain on the taxpayer, and
  • anyone who did not celebrate Australia Day on 26th January.

Dutton, announced he had a crack team of Borderfarce Black Shirts ready to descend on to these miscreants. He said, “The guard dogs have been stationed in secluded spots in suburbs, Christmas Island detention centre has been reopened, contracts have been signed with Paladin and Aeroflot.  As soon as the Labor Party stops being a party pooper we can get rid of them from our shores.”