As a keen observer of the political scene and having a larrikin streak, John reckons that satire and humour often make more sense than the pompous utterings of political poseurs who inhabit this land. Some of the conservation issues he investigates are better described from a satirical viewpoint than head on.
“I haven’t many skills I’m not clever I’d better become famous.” Maddison Hall aged 12 years.
Written June 2004 The sky has definitely fallen, we are assured by the Prime Minister, John Howard, the Deputy Prime Minister, John Anderson and the Communications Minister, Darryl Williams. Mark Latham also claims he has definitely seen the sky lying on the ground. This was, no doubt, during one of his reading sessions to […]
They died for you they died for us they’re all dead so what’s the fuss?
Yesterday agreement was reached between two usually antagonistic sides in the abortion debate. Mrs Neva Wrong President of the Australian League for the Prevention of Abortion and Ms Letus Speak spokesperson for Women’s Right to Choose declared that both their organisations were in total concurrence about the need to collect more statistics about one aspect […]
Written prior to 2014 Budget – not published. Tony (may he rot in hell) Shepherd, the Chairperson of Joe (the Slime) Hockey’s Commission of Fraudit has done what he was told to do. That is, paint a wish list for the Big End of Town. Sheppard listened carefully as mining magnates and rich property developers […]
Written in 2014 circulated but not published Abbottolic: an adjective – see for similarity shambolic but in this case there is no lack of organisation or direction. For direction just follow those in the front row wearing the black shirts of young Mussolini movement. The essence of Abbottolism (noun) can only adequately expressed through the […]
Written 2003. Asylum seekers seeking support is just a rort. Asylum seekers seeking support is beyond reason it’s probably treason. It’s to be abhorred. No wonder their children threw them overboard.
Written in 2007 The Chief Minister of the Northern Territory and the Premier of Western Australia deserve accolades for their forbearance in dealing with the ill-informed demands for tougher sentencing they themselves have created. They have shown through their mandatory sentencing policies that they can eliminate, by encouraged suicide, those who might continue to carry […]
Published in Little Darwin, Tuesday 3 July 2010 http://littledarwin.blogspot.com.au/ In the annals of Northern Territory activism, the name of Dr John Tomlinson looms large. His relentless pursuit of social justice for the many, his drive to reform government welfare departments , strong opposition to uranium mining and his act of returning an Aboriginal girl, lodged […]
Written in 2013 Dear Comrades and fellow travellers I have just been talking to Julie Bishop who assures me that David Hicks volunteered to go to Guantanamo Bay Cuba in the mistaken belief it was a Caribbean Holiday Resort. Further more she told me that whilst the naughty Labor Party might have spied on Indonesia […]
Dear Diary This morning I called into the newsagent and picked up a carton of fags. Wrote a note to myself to remember to go to the pub on the way home tonight to get a case of wine. I’m enjoying this coffee as I write a policy paper for the Prime Minister opposing the […]
When I was young I used to get sent to the shop to buy eggs whenever our Bantams hadn’t laid enough. In those days eggs came in brown paper bags and often did not make it home whole. Nowadays eggs come in specially designed cardboard or plastic containers and are graded according to weight. People […]
The refugees are throwing ethanol overboard. We’ll decide who comes to this country and the manner in which they come. Medicare spoils a good health system. It’s business as usual safe and sound and for the unemployed jobs abound. Welfare clients must have no hesitation they must meet their mutual obligation. Welfare is such a […]
Published in ACTCOSS News, circa 2000 The views expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the General Committee. The Executive Committee wishes to disassociate itself from such a careless rendition of ideological diatribe. The Social Justice Task Force members do not hold such opinions. No one in the Housing Task Force considers the ideas […]
ACTCOSS News Nov 1987 The views expressed in this article are not necessarily those of the General Committee of ACTCOSS. The Executive Committee wishes to disassociate itself from such a careless rendition of ideological diatribe. The Social Justice Task Force members do not hold such opinions. No-one in the Housing Task Force considers the ideas […]
Written circa 2003. There are probably a couple of thousand good reasons why someone might want to get involved in teaching either Indigenous subjects or aspects of subjects which impinge upon Indigenous people or their life. One of them is the rumour going round that the Carseldine Campus is one part of the Australian […]
The end of the world is imminent and Jesus might appear if CO2 and methane don’t combine to form Urea. Written in 2010 not published.
…and I find it passing strange that the poor are drinking Grange whilst the rich are making do with a cheap red gaff or two. Written in 2009 not published.
Written circa 2004 The Japanese Government, as a result of its steadfast endeavour to carry out scientific whaling whenever and wherever it pleases is making a huge contribution to our understanding of the cultural importance of killing large sea mammals. Without such determination to carry on in the face of firm resistance, people all round […]
Tony Abbot used to be a trainee priest Do you know why he left the seminary ? It seems he failed Sermonising 1. What he told the congregation was…. “God gave his only begotten son so that all who believe in unions might perish!!” Written circa 2002 not published
“Howard found with Boy Scout in Car Park.” By Michelle Grattan, The Age. “It’s not part of a Satanic Cult claims Downer.” ABC News on line. “I warned against allowing Boy Scouts into this Country.” Features article Phillip Ruddock, Sydney Morning Herald. “Howard says the Scout was as good as Gold.” Sports Editor, The […]
*A Queensland doctor whom Howard made Minister for Aboriginal Affairs There never was a stolen generation. Nothing we ever did in pursuit of the holy quid deserves such widespread condemnation. As for genocide the Blacks just laid down and died and there never was a stolen generation. I think I know your game you’re trying […]
Written in 2007 Dear Comrades, I have just had a message from the WTO (World Terrorist Organisation) informing me of a new protocol applying to passengers on high-jacked planes. Once the leader of the high-jack squad announces that the plane has in fact been high-jacked (this will normally occur during the duration of the […]
Written in 1999 I’d like to express regret – but not yet, I still have a nagging worry and could never say I’m sorry. We must look forward – not back. They must remember we are white – not Black.
Written in 2007 Howardspeak is gathering quite a vocabulary. It’s a simple formula: take a well-known concept, add an adjective, change (reverse?) the meaning. ‘core promise’ = promise you happen to keep (as opposed to a promise, which you break) ‘not a racist’ = a racist ‘Australian multiculturalism’ = monoculture ‘all of us’ = […]
First published in New Matilda 2005 http://www.newmatilda.com//home/printarticle.asp?ArticleID=1217 The Howard-Ruddock “We did it to the refugees and now it’s your turn” Acts are being rushed through the parliament. If you are questioned you should state your name address and date of birth. You might also give your serial number in the Class War. In case […]
Written circa 2006. A spokesthing for the Prime Minister, John Howard, said today ” The PM is exceedingly pleased with the latest poll results which showed his Government is now 12% behind Labor in two party preferred terms. Mr. Howard was particularly pleased that the Australian people now believe that the war in Iraq was […]
The most pressing reason why the US must bomb Iraq is that if it used the money it will expend on the Iraq war assisting the Third World then (for this year at least) poverty, malnutrition and starvation would be abolished throughout the world. The citizens of the United States are the richest people on […]
by John Tomlinson and Victor Hart Written in 2006 1. Shoot all those in refugee detention centres. Children first (we don’t want them to be traumatized by watching their parents being shot). 2. Burn all books written by Henry Reynolds, Lyndal Ryan or any other Lefty Black- Armband pseudo-academic. 3. Make Keith Windschuttle’s book The Fabrication […]
Written just prior to 2007 election. Dear Editor I have just had a security update from The Office of National Assessment. It would appear that John Howard has taken Janet and the kids up on to the roof at Kirribilli and is threatening to throw them off the roof unless the Australian people vote […]
*This song was written to help immigrants to the United States of Amerika find permanent accommodation. It is to be sung immediately upon entering immigration reception centres. 9/11, 9/11 we’re on our way to heaven, Al-Qaeda,Taliban, here we come. Here we come. Like the Red Brigade, we are not afraid for we are US made. […]
Written circa 2005. During the opening of the Keith Windschuttle Indigenous Holocaust Denial Research Centre at the One Nation University in Ipswich today, John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, announced “In the past we have made too many excuses for them; from now on Aboriginal Australians are going to be expected to walk on […]
Published in The Word March/April 2006 Issue 18 Peter Costello, marching along behind his great and glorious leader, John Howard, condemns “mushy multiculturalism”. It is great that our leaders are capable of condemning something as indefinable as “mushy multiculturalism”. Costello presumably to the tune of a Hillsong hymn “Onward Christian Soldiers” decided it was time […]
Dear Comrades The revamping of the Howard Cabinet means that many departments now have new ministers casting around for policy options. I have been approached by some of them for help in reinvigorating their areas of responsibility. Salamander Vanstone would like you to suggest exciting mutual obligations she can impose upon refugees. I have suggested […]
After a long conversation with our beloved Prime Minister I can now reveal that he did not know that refugees weren’t throwing children overboard because no one advised him. He did not know that Saddam Hussein did not have weapons of mass destruction because no one advised him. He did not know that AWB was […]
An optimist is a person who knows just how sad the world can be. A pessimist is someone who finds out anew every morning. Peter Ustinoff Parkinson Show
I grew up in the town of Gympie in South East Queensland; around the town there were lots of dairy, fruit and vegetable farms. The predominant vegetable grown was green beans. James Nash discovered gold in Gympie, in 1867. Once the gold ran out Gympieites had little to boast about. Some bright spark declared […]
The Deagon Institute embargoed until 1/5/1984. The Deagon Institute today released details of QUT’s new marketing strategy following it’s decision to abolish Bachelor of Social Science, Humanities and Arts Degrees from its 2008 profile. QUT new come-in-sucker enrolments slogan will be: “Building a real world for Philistines.” QUT hopes to more than make up the […]
NASA’s inquiries into Space Shuttle Columbia’s flight STS-107 have just revealed that the shuttle crashed because the Australian spiders and at least one of the astronauts conspired with Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden to destroy the flight. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows spiders. A spider tried to bite my […]
Dear Comrades I have some very good news, the factory where I work has decided to appoint Mr. Stan Howard as CEO. The board of this company is very pleased to have obtained the services of such newsworthy person. Apparently the PM himself was one of his referees. It’s almost as good as a government […]
Normally I rise about 6 am; today I got up a couple of minutes before nine. I presume the reason for my lethargy had more to do with confusion than the copious amount of red wine consumed the previous evening. Of course I was confused and who wouldn’t be. Was it Australia Day or […]
Teach a fish how to bite on a hook or get its head stuck in a gill-net and it only swims for a day. Give a man a fish and he gets ciguatera food poisoning. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him at weekends: for a lifetime. Most people can teach […]
Written and circulated in 2000. Scenes of Victorian Police in full riot gear batoning S11 demonstrators sitting down on the roadway in an attempt to stop delegates entering the latest pro-globalisation meeting, merge with images of Victorian Premier Brack berating the demonstrators for being un-Australian, for daring to question the world’s corporate elite’s plans to […]
Written in 2002, when Phillip Ruddock was Minister for Immigration. Tony Abbott was Health Minister at the time and Peter Costello was Treasurer. The “Ruddocks” is a highly contagious social virus recently identified by medical researchers. This virulent virus is most contagious if incubated in a climate of fear. It causes a mental condition typified by […]
Anarchist Age Monthly Review. No 80, July 1998 pp. 32-34 A lot of nonsense is talked about poverty: clerics see it as a moral quandary, economists conceive of it as an economic question, social workers see it as a social problem, and politicians view it as a political dilemma. No one is prepared to admit […]
Posted Monday, July 26, 2010 on Little Darwin A veteran activist who often made the headlines in Darwin has driven into town pulling a Caribbean pirate’s ship disguised as an innocent fishing smack with more stickers on the hull for worthy causes and appeals for justice than barnacles on the Queen Mary. The skipper is […]
Written in 2011 “Even if this war drags on for a thousand years I will keep addressing the parliament on the progress.” [Julia Gizzard] Even if this war drags on for an eternity I will not sleep, nor get jet-lagged, but will sit here listening to Julia.” [Tony Rabbit] “Whilst they are happily killing […]
To all my dear friends in the Liberal and National Parties I say hold your nerve. I know it’s hard but we haven’t lost the next election yet. I know that the doubters amongst us will claim that that is only because it hasn’t been held, but don’t listen to the Thomases. It is true […]
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